My Father Died Because He Didn’t Have Insurance


Corey and Jim Doyle

My father was my everything.  He was my mother, my father, my best friend.  While we grew closer after my Mom and brother both died in 1992, from the very beginning I was a Daddy’s girl.  My earliest memories are of us on adventures together – fishing, camping, him teaching me about the world.  Few days would go by as a kid that I don’t remember my Dad pointing out some kind of plant and explaining to me what it was and all about its purpose.  While my brother would run away from most things in nature, I would be the one found picking up crabs, holding opossums and petting porcupines under my Dad’s watchful eye (yes, you can pet them if they aren’t scared).

In the summer of 2005 my Dad starting getting a few strange symptoms.  Nothing major but also things that niggle at you and, if you were insured, something you would have probably sought treatment at a doctor’s office for.  However, my Dad was an electrician and his union had some really goofy rules and he wasn’t eligible for the insurance because he hadn’t worked enough hours that year due to layoffs to qualify for their insurance.  He scoffed it off and just hoped things would get better.  The sore throat was probably just sinus drainage after all and the aches and pains were just age.

By the spring of 2006 his symptoms had come and gone but whenever they returned they were much, much worse.  However, this coincided with my future niece coming to the house while having strep throat so again, my Dad wrote it off and just hoped it wasn’t strep and didn’t get worse.  By late May he was sweating when he ate and sleeping more and I finally told him he HAD to see a doctor.

It’s easier said than done though – turns out most doctors won’t even see you if you don’t have insurance.  Eventually I called my doctor and begged him to take my father.  He agreed and we went the next day.  However, the news was not good.  I was brought back and Dr. Davis looked at me and said that my Dad asked him to tell me because he couldn’t.  My Dad had cancer, it was likely terminal and he didn’t have long to live.  He had a tumor in his throat about the size of a grapefruit and it was likely to only grow in size cutting off his airway and killing him.

Needless to say, I teared up even though I KNEW it wasn’t good and he let us have a moment.  Dad couldn’t stop apologizing and kept saying that he knew it wasn’t good but he didn’t think it was that bad.  He kept saying he wished he’d had insurance so he had gone sooner.  It was too far gone for treatment at that point but even IF we wanted to, we were told that now my Dad couldn’t likely get insurance due to the cancer now being pre-existing.  Even though he had money, as many know, treatment for cancer doesn’t come cheap and it’s unlikely he’d have been able to even afford the scans to get to treatment.

My doctor took pity on us and called in some favors.  We were able to see an ear, nose and throat specialist for the office fee only who ordered scans and tests of my Dad.  Those scans were written off.  They confirmed what we knew – he had tonsillar cancer (primary) which had spread to his brain, liver and lungs.  From there he was admitted into hospice (again, for free as a favor) where he was able to get weekly visits from a nurse and pain medication to see him through the rest of his life.

If it wasn’t for my wonderful doctor, none of the very little that was able to be done for my Dad would have happened because he was without insurance.

My father died 2 months after diagnosis.  We were told had it been caught in the early “sore throat” phase he would have likely lived.  They remove the tonsil/s that are infected and if it had progressed a round of chemo.  Even if he’d caught it a month or two earlier, he still may have lived.  Instead the fear of costs he couldn’t afford and the lack of healthcare options for the uninsured left him home and hoping it was just a cold.

I plead and beg of anyone reading to take a moment and think of the amazing man I lost due to the lack of healthcare before the ACA.  This is currently a thing of the past and I’ve read hundreds of stories online about people who were able to live because of the ACA.  It may not be perfect but it’s saving LIVES and that, my friends, is a big deal that shouldn’t be tossed to the wayside just because it needs improved.

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I’m Back Bitches!

I haven’t updated this blog in forever.  I think it’s because I really have no niche so to say so I just kept putting it off because I’m fucking random so, the blog has been.  Well, random or not, I’m back and shall continue with the randomness.  *shrugs*  Go with what you know right?

2015 was a weird and wild year for me.  It was my first year in many during which I did not require surgery for my endometriosis (since 2007 I think I’ve had at least 6 surgeries for it, some twice in a year) so it was weird not having to plan downtime or sessions around my recovery.  I outed a photographer on my other blog, Photo Stealers, and that was an adventure to say the least.  My business was steady with sessions and weddings but overall it was down from the years prior.  Luckily though, 2016 is on track to be the best year yet for my business.  I traveled, of course, and found a new favorite destination in St. John.  I took a few girls trips as well and I have decided that this needs to be a yearly thing.   Overall 2015 was a good year but by New Years I was ready to say goodbye to it.

During my downtime this season I’ve thought about what to do with this blog.  To nuke it?  To totally change it up and go forth with a niche?  There’s so many things I want to write about.  My endometriosis journey.  My travel and places that I love.  BOOKS!  My subscription box addition (I’ve unsubscribed to almost all but PopSugar but I can’t quit it!).  My undying love for all things bath related.  So screw it, I’m going to just be me and write about ALL the things and screw the niche mindset that to be a blogger one must have a cultivated voice and message.  It’s not like I’m ever going to be one of those people anyway – I’m not skinny enough nor do I have enough boots.

So, hi.  If you’re reading this (which I do not know if people still are!) thank you for hanging with me!

PS:  I’ve renamed my blog to something a bit more catchy since the old name was just something grabbed at will.  Yes, I really do hate coffee but yes, I also do love Starbucks.  The cream blended frappuccinos are the best thing ever.

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Jamberry Nails on Gel or Acrylic Nails aka Fake Nails

Jamberry accent nail wrap in neptune

In the past few months there’s a new MLM that a ton of friends have been selling – Jamberry Nails.  If you know me, you’d know that my nails are almost always polished and you may notice they are fake.  Sadly beautiful long nails are something I wasn’t naturally gifted with so for almost 20 years I’ve been getting a manicure every two weeks and thankfully I now have the long beautiful nails that most wish they naturally had.  My nail beds are very short so with my  natural nails my fingers look stumpy but with long nails they don’t look quite so… manly.  Anyway, a friend started selling Jamberry and I ordered some strips because I thought it’d be a fun change for the second week of my manicure and for holidays as my nail tech doesn’t do much nail art and I fail miserably at it.

The wraps arrived and I sat down to give them a whirl.. and quickly found out that they were nowhere near as easy as people make them out to be.  Maybe after a few whirls they are easy but the first time is anything but.  So if you’ve ended up here somehow because you’ve googled something along the lines of “Is Jamberry nails impossible to put on or am I just a moron” don’t fret, they are tricky.  I figured that I MUST have started with the hardest ones to put on (the glitter ones) and tried again but with just the regular “Neptune” striped pattern that is supposed to be the easiest to put on.  While they were better, I still experienced some wrinkling.  To some or maybe most this wouldn’t be an issue.  I’m a picker though and those little wrinkles grabbing on each hair, catching on my clothes and so forth?  THEY DROVE ME NUTS.  I couldn’t do it and within a day I’d taken them back off.

Jamberry Neptune nail wrap fail

I watched a million videos.  I read a dozen blogs.  I tried the baggie method.  I tried the cold method.  I tried the rice method.  NO dice.  I thought that I was just seriously inept and a total loser at life because reps that saw my whining on Instagram were telling me it was IMPOSSIBLE that I wouldn’t be able to get the wrinkles out and I just wasn’t doing something right.  I just wasn’t using enough heat.  I wasn’t using the right tools.  I wasn’t using the right application method.  I wasn’t getting rid of ALL of the oil.  I was touching something before putting them on.  My heat wasn’t strong enough.  I didn’t apply enough pressure.  It went on and on from there.  It frustrated me because it’s not like I didn’t want them to work, I really and truly did.  I think they are adorable and even though they aren’t cheap they are fun!  I was looking forward to the holiday wraps and having something a bit more festive than my usual OPI Dear Santa manicure.  I’m totally their “niche” market and I was seriously bummed that it didn’t work for my nails.  You know what it did work on?  My toes.

Jamberry nautical nail wraps on toenails

When I realized that they were PERFECT on my toes I realized there were a few things stacked against my fake nails.  One – I have rounded tips so the wrinkles at the tips were inevitable.  Cutting a notch seems to HELP but it wasn’t a cure all.  Two – my nails are not only rounded at the tip but they are rounded from root to tip AND rounded from edge to edge.  Most with fake nails will have this from the layers of gel and acrylic – it’s just how they are applied.  Some will have flatter nails but mine are far from flat.  Three – they aren’t as “grabby” as a natural nail would be.  They are slicker and don’t have ridges.  Scuffing them up a bit seemed to help but they didn’t make them perfect.  It did also seem to help to cut notches in the sides as well.

I still think they are cute – and I will use them on my toes a lot.  It’s nice to not have chipped toenail polish anymore!  No more taking along the bottle of polish along on travels and praying the polish doesn’t come undone in the luggage!  YAY!  I seem to be able to go 6-8 weeks per pedicure which is great!  I may even try a manicure again for special occasions and events and try to stop myself from picking at the wrinkles.

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Pop Sugar Must Have May Subscription Box

I feel like the last person to get the Pop Sugar Must Have box this month!  I accidentally fell into a spoiler (I try to avoid them if I can) and wasn’t too excited for the box but now that it’s here I’m a bit happier about it.

The Must Have May Box included the following products for a grand total of $115.00

Smell Bent, St. Tropez scent $45
Zing Anything, Citrus Zinger in green $17
Kerry Cassill, Eye Mask (not pictured because I forgot I took it out of the box), blue floral $24
Obsessive Compulsive Cosmetics, nail lacquer in Pool Boy $10
Must Have Fitness, Tone it Up! $15
Hi I’m Skinny Sticks, Sweet Onion $4

I’m not listing it with the rest (but it’s in the picture) but I received a vbeaute’ Lip Spread Anti-Aging Lip Gloss($19)  along with my May box as an apology for how long the Resort box took to ship.  I don’t know what is in these types of lip stuff but generally I get blisters from them (got it from the Julep one and the Jouer kind).  I’m going to try it and see what happens because I’m a glutton for punishment (and I LOVE my lip gloss!).

I immediately sprayed the St. Tropez and I am still on the fence on if I like it or not.  I do but it’s pretty strong.  We’ll see what I think of it as it mellows out.  I’ve received the zinger thing before and it got banished to a closet and I’ve not seen it since.  I like the idea of it but actual DOING is a different ballgame sometimes LOL.  I will toss the eye mask in with my travel stuff, they can come in handy when traveling!  The polish is OK but I hate creme polishes so this will probably hit the donation bag.  I always aspire to do the workout stuff but rarely DO it so we’ll see on the DVD.  I’ve had some flaring of the endometriosis this week (fun!) so I’m not really in the active mood right now.  I’m allergic to onions so I won’t be able to try the skinny sticks (sad!) but I’m betting my husband will chow them down.


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Pop Sugar Must Have Resort Special Edition

It’s been a while hasn’t it??  Crap.  I suck at blogging.  I think I feel bad because this blog doesn’t have a “focus” or a “niche” really and it’s just me spitting out random shit at people.  Since I couldn’t figure out my focus, I just abandoned it.  I’m going to try to get back into the swing of things and embrace my non-niche-ness.  I’m getting back on the wagon with a post about one of my favorite things, beauty boxes!   I’m starting off with the Pop Sugar Must Have Resort Special Edition.  I have a love/hate relationship with the Special Edition boxes from Pop Sugar.  I really liked last Summer’s box so I was hoping for the best with this one.  I’m still kind of meh on it.  Their monthly boxes are also hit or miss but April’s box was out of the park awesome (I loved it so much I didn’t pause for a picture before diving in).


The Must Have Summer Box included the following products for a grand total of ~ $476.50.

Sisco Berluti Bracelet Stack, Pop Sugar Exclusive ~$176
RB of McD Clutch, Tan and Navy ~$150
Cuyana Turkish Towel, blue and white $55
Epicuren Tropical Lave ~ $37
Clark’s Botanicals Cellular Moisture Mist $28
Smashbox Santigolden Age Double-Ended Limitless Eye Liner, yellow/blue $24
Salty Road Salt Water Taffy, Salty Caramel Apple $6.50

I had to guess on some values due to the sites being down or the item being an exclusive (clutch, bracelet).  It’s one of the higher valued boxes I think Pop Sugar has ever released but it doesn’t make my joy level rise really.  The towel was the teaser item that they used to bait people with when advertising the box and I’m OK with it.  I’m not really sure how one would really use it though – it doesn’t seem very towel like, it’s too big to be a scarf and too thin to be a blanket.  It’s a odd item for sure.  Maybe I’m just not fancy enough for it?  The bracelet stack I like and I’m so glad it’s not Bauble Bar or Style Mint.  THANK GOD!  The clutch came in two colors and I think both are OK, the leather is like butter and is amazingly soft.  I’m not sure I’ll really use it though but I’ll have a think on it before I decide what to do with it.  The tropical lave smells AMAZING.  I love everything Epicuren I’ve received so far and I’m sure this will be enjoyable.  I love all bath products!  The cellular mist is OK but the tingling is WEIRD.  We shall see if it makes me break out in hives or not.  The eye liner is what I absolutely HATE from this box.  I’m too old for bright blue or yellow eyeliner.  I want to try the taffy but I am supposed to avoid all soy (I have endometriosis) so I’m really bummed.  Maybe I’ll just try a small piece.  Sigh.



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NKOTB Cincinnati After Party Epic Fail

Jordan Knight in Cincinnati

Jordan Knight in Cincinnati 6/25/13 © Corey Ann Balazowich

I don’t even know where to begin with this one, I really don’t.  I am writing this blog because SO MANY people keep asking me WTF happened last night and Twitter’s character limit just can’t contain it all.

I’m a huge NKOTB fan, if you know me, you know this.  Even still, people from elementary school remember my epic crush on Joe (I just can’t with the Joey LOL) and ask me on Facebook if I “know” that they are back together and touring.  I’ve met them a few times and while there’s always bumps in the road when it comes to meet and greets and after parties, nothing has ever been an epic of a fail as this, to the point where I’m being a bitch and writing a blog about it.

Last night I attended the NKOTB “The Package” Tour concert in Cincinnati, which is a 4 + hour drive for me in my home base of North Canton, Ohio.  Generally I go to the Cleveland concerts but I had obligations that day and the Cincy date worked out best for my friends and I.  We had front row seats and had an absolute blast during the show, which is amazing and I highly recommend to all women from the 90’s.  I will smile for a long time due to memories from that show.  What wasn’t so great was the insane heat in the arena, which is not remotely anyone’s fault but the US Bank Arena, but it was beyond hot.  I went to a concert a few years ago at Blossom, which was 90 something degrees and a million percent humidity but it was cooler than this!  I heard that the a/c units broke down due to the heat outside but I can’t say for sure that’s what happened.  Still, despite being a hot and sweaty mess, we still had so much fun because of what a fantastic show that Boyz II Men, 98 Degrees (ironic, no?), and New Kids On the Block put on for us.  It was especially special because it was 98 Degrees hometown show and Drew Lachey’s family was right in front of us and it was utterly charming to watch his little kiddos watch Daddy on stage and be completely enthralled with the experience.

I had purchased After Party tickets for me and my 2 friends because I wanted to go and I wanted to surprise my friends with the gifts.  They were SO excited and it was one girl’s birthday and she cried when she realized what my text meant. Neither had ever met any of the New Kids and were SO excited to go to the After Party.  We all knew the pictures would be fast and NOT a meet and greet but we were looking forward to the mingling and fun of the After Party which from all other reports, was a great time.  We got checked in after the concert and waited in line and quickly found out that the humidity in the room was worse than anything in the arena but we purchased some waters ($3.75 a pop, told none was available from the tap for free) and prepared for a fun evening dancing and enjoying some hopeful “facetime” with Donnie and maybe a straggling New Kid or two.  We were happy to hear that Donnie, Danny, Joe and Jordan were in attendance along with Boyz II Men.

The picture line moved quickly and we were told to get into groups of 4 or more and we ended up with 6 in our group, which was fine because no one was too particular about who they were with.  When it was our time to go, we were shoved in, found a spot, smiled and said a quick hi to whomever we were by and left.  That’s what we expected though so it was what it was, I do not have a single iota of an issue with how the picture taking went.  We were more looking forward to the mingling afterwards with Donnie and just having fun.  After the line was over, Donnie took the stage and begged us to all take a step back from the end where the “stage” area was with DJ Cheapshot and make sure everyone had breathing room b/c he didn’t want anyone to get sick and how he would be around to everyone so don’t rush in.  Joe got up and did a toast to everyone and a few other “Joe-isms.”  Shawn finished out the speeches with something I couldn’t hear but more about just having fun and not trying to all turn into a mob rushing them.  All three led us to believe they were going to be mingling and so long as we didn’t act a fool, they’d be around to us all.  We were towards the back so it was hard to see.  The next song I saw Jordan shaking his groove to barely through the crowd and then I just had fun in my corner assuming they were saying hi to people and just not visible.  Then I realized I didn’t see any men during the next song and stood up on a chair to figure out what was going on and then I realized there was NO men (well the men we paid to party with).  Donnie was gone – everyone was gone.  There was a curtain to the side of the “stage” where people were coming in and out of but never to come back out?  Donnie and the rest of the crew.

Here’s the thing: I get it was a swamp in that hot box of a room.  I get that only Donnie is on the party as the host and therefore the only one obligated to be there.  If I were the other guys, I’d probably have peaced out too.  Jonathan is a wise man.  Hell, I am JEALOUS they didn’t have to stay in that sauna for an additional 2 hours like we did because that was really miserable.  I still have a headache.  However as the host, I really wish Donnie would have given us the respect to let us know that they were miserable, exhausted and just couldn’t do the party as they’d hoped.  Heck, if he wasn’t man enough to do it without fear of lynching, send out some paid minion to tell us what was going on.  Instead we waited for two hours in that soup – the a/c was broken is the rumor – for guys that left not long after the pictures were completed.  People were getting headaches, people were not feeling well and water was not cheap.  Donnie, why in the world did you leave us up there on false hopes when you KNEW the conditions up there?  I just do not get it.  Johnny kept telling people they were coming back so everyone stayed on, until the bitter and quiet end where DJ Cheapshot ended his tunes and started silently cleaning up.  Not a single word from anyone as to what the ever loving fuck just happened.  Ironically, I think our “party” was one of the latest ones, ending around 1:45AM.

Shit happens, it’s kind of a motto in my life.  It was proven when after that epic failure of an After Party I walked out into a thunderstorm and had to walk back to our hotel in the pouring rain (it did feel good but that whole lightning thing is a bit freaky).  After sleeping on the whole mess I woke up less angry, more confused and laughing about the whole situation because this stuff only seems to happen to me.  It’s kind of humorous in a dark and demented way.  I should have known better than to hope for anything less than a total shitshow.  At least the concert was fun!

My friends and I consoled ourselves on the ride home by saying at least we had fun with each other and the pics were still a highlight, no matter what happened.


NKOTB Cincinnati After Party Picture


I’m the literal hot mess in the blue dress on the end (in my defense the wet spots on my dress are from ice cubes I realize now that cooling down via that method was not one of my wiser choices in life), one of my friends is the girl in yellow next to Donnie.  My other friend?  She’s next to Danny.  Don’t see Danny?  He was on my left… and him AND my friend were cut out of the image. I’ve edited this picture for clarity FYI if you want to see how bad image originally was and the other images are, go here and type in nkotbappix for the password.  Also, if you are an attendee and want me to try and edit yours, let me know (I’m a professional photographer).

Needless to say, I’m pretty peeved.  Not only is the picture terrible due to the humidity, MY FRIEND IS MISSING.  This isn’t the only person from the night that was cropped out, there are a few others this appears to have happened to last night.  I feel so terrible for her and so sorry this happened.  I got her this birthday gift hoping it would be a fun night.  I called VIP Nation to complain and they told me to “send it in email” and hung up on me.  So I sent my email but here’s my blog to go along with it.  This is unacceptable and just sad.  I would like a refund and I think that all attendees last night deserve one as well.

Were you a fellow comrade in sweat?  If so, I am so sorry this happened.  🙁

If you’d like to see my photos from the concert, here is the opening acts and here is NKOTB.


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The Pintester Movement

I can’t even recall how I ended up over at Pintester but when I did I pretty much fell instantly in love.  It’s exactly the kind of blog I would have if I were to do one solely based on what happens when you make things from Pinterest.  Because we all know that rarely do they turn out as advertised – usually ending with a lot of swearing.  I love the swearing and Cocknails. This week she asked everyone to attempt ONE pin that has been on your Pinterest for a while and blog about the experience, calling it The Pintester Movement.  I decided this was the perfect time to finally give one of these pins a whirl and see what happens.  I hit up my “Tips and Tricks” board because that is usually where the epic fails beyond food reside and I wasn’t let down.  I can’t be the only one that hoped a “this will save you HOURS of time and is so easy” pins really work can I?  Since I was feeling a wee bit lazy, I decided to try this pin about a super easy way to clean your microwave.


I knew this was going to be interesting when I saw that the site had no more instructions and I had to rely on the words with the picture.  However, it didn’t seem like it would blow up and it looked easy to test.

Of course, while I thought I had a cup of vinegar I didn’t, I had a little over a half cup.  Crap.  So I did a 50/50 ratio with what I had.  Please excuse our groutless tile, someday my husband may actually get on that.

I decided to still roll with the 10 minutes from the pin.

10 minutes later…

Yeah, not a whole not of difference right?  While things were a bit steamy there really wasn’t a huge amount of steam.  I got out my paper towels and wiped down what I could but there wasn’t a huge improvement.

If nothing else I guess this pin won since it got me this far I decided to actually do it for real and finally cleaned out the icky goo.

Make sure you head on over to see what other people have done with their own Pinterest challenges on The Pintester Movement!

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The Letters

It’s amazing how much one accumulates when they not only have all of the detritus of their own lives but the artifacts from their deceased parents, grandparents (both sides) and brother.  What’s even more amazing is the vast amount that I have is just a tiny fragment of all that I once had that was lost in the many moves, due to lack of care and so forth.  It’s insane all the crap I have of everyones lives.  We’ve moved the boxes of stuff a few different times and it’s always been a sore spot between me and Chris.  He wants me to go through it, I do and throw away some and then find a shiny object and move onto another thing and never quite make it through things.  I also have never sat and sorted.  I’ve opened boxes and gone “oh it’s ____” and move it to the keep side and keep on trucking.   In April, I finally took on the task of sitting down with the things and going through it, organizing it and deciding what to do with it all.

It’s always a bit of an emotional roller coaster going through this kind of stuff.  Pictures of people that are all dead.  Memories that come flying back that are bitter and sweet.  Times you wished you remembered and times you wish you could forget.  I think that’s a lot of why I became a photographer was because all I have left of my family is pictures.  The letters are a different matter.  It’s funny to look back and see so many letters one saved.  All of my love letters from high school boyfriends (I pitched those finally).  Notes from friends secretly passed between classes.  Cards for my birthday.  Our kids won’t likely see these things from our generation forward as all of our correspondence now is digital and hidden behind passwords.  These are some of my favorite treasures to find from my family as they give a peek into what life was really like in that small snippet of time.

I found a box within one of the big boxes full of cards and letters my Mom’s parents saved.  Cards from various events from 1979 – 1985, they saved them all.  I ended up making the decision to not hold onto these any longer as I don’t know most of the people in the cards and letters and sent them on to my Aunt whom will appreciate them more than I or my kin (if I have any) ever could.  Then I came to letters from my Mom to my brother while he was in Basic Training and then on duty with the Navy.  I’ve read many of these letters before when they were sent to us along with other things from his room after his death.  I haven’t re-read them in years and just took the envelope with them and moved them to the keep pile and kept on sorting.  Then I came across three letters that were apart from the main letters that were kept.

I should have just sorted them along with the others.

I read the first of the three letters and while it’s harsh and biting towards my father and calls me lazy, it’s not so bad.  I’m not one that looks back upon someone that died with starry eyes.  I know my Mom had a lot of faults and one was that she wasn’t nice.  She was very sick with COPD and that exacerbated her grumpiness.  The letters to my brother always had a theme: I’m sick, I hate your Dad, send me money, you hurt my feelings and your sister doesn’t help enough around the house.  Keep in mind that my age through the span of these letters was around 10-13.  While I was “older” I was still a kid.  The second letter was more mean than her normal self and mentions how my Dad didn’t want to kill a bees nest because he hated to kill them.  She then tells my brother how she doesn’t get how he could be upset about killing a bees nest when he killed the dog without any qualms.  I about fell over.  KILLED MY DOG?!  See, I’d been told that Mandy went to a farm because she was too old to be inside anymore.  She was peeing everywhere and going blind.  FOR YEARS my Dad kept this ruse up and eventually a few years later he told me she died.  I get it now why he did what he did, he did it to protect me.  Mandy was old and in pain, it was time for her to go on but he knew I’d be upset so created the farm story.  I now wonder if the cats really made it to a REAL farm or if it was the same farm Mandy went to.  Poor Mandy.

The final letter.

Why didn’t I stop?

The final letter was more of the same and lots of guilt trips about my brother not sending money or spending time with her when he was home.  NOW I totally get it.  Back then though, I didn’t know about the letters and never understood why Mike didn’t stay with us or see us much when he was home on leave.  After reading these letters, I can’t blame him at all.  Anyway, she was complaining about not having time to write like she usually does because I stayed up late every night keeping her company, playing cards etc. and how finally that night I was in bed “early” at 12:30AM.  That made me laugh because I’ve always been a night owl.  Then there was more bashing of my Dad and the usual and she comes to me again.  This time I get bashed too.  She tells my brother how I’m such a strange child and how she just doesn’t know where I came from because she can’t relate to me.  She says I’m unfeeling and how she doesn’t understand why I don’t cry at movies or books.  She just doesn’t like me and probably never will.


What kind of mother says that kind of shit?  Beyond that what kind of mother says that to her SON about his SISTER?

I cried when I read it so guess what Mom?  Apparently I do have feelings.  I was freaking 10, of course I didn’t cry at movies or books.  I mean it’s not like Superfudge is all that sad?   I don’t know why it bothers me so much, I KNOW my Mom didn’t like me, hell I listened to her try to plot how to kill me, but it doesn’t mean that it hurt any less.  Just another chapter I guess in my screwed up childhood.  Mothers Day was a couple weeks after I read these letters and I have to be honest, I didn’t miss her much that day.  I feel so darn guilty about harboring some ill will towards her but that letter, in particular that line, really sliced to the core.

Maybe this is why I am not a mother.  I really worry that I won’t be any better.

Thank god for Dad.  He may have not been nice to Mom but he was amazing to me.  The letters made me miss him so much.  I think he must have kept them separate from the others so I didn’t read them.  Because that’s the kind of parent he was, he told me my dog went to a farm to protect me from the pain of seeing a beloved pet die.  He hid the letters to protect me from the pain of knowing my Mom didn’t like me.  He gives me hope that someday I will be the kind of parent that would protect their children from pain instead of cause it.

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Ipsy Glam Bag: May

By far my favorite of all the beauty boxes is the Ipsy Glam Bag, especially for the price of $10!  Each month you get 5 samples in a cute makeup bag that’s usually themed for the month.  I’m getting so many makeup bags that I’m not sure what to do with them all (anyone have any ideas?) but they are pretty darn cute.  So far the products have been really spot on as well and not nearly as many biffs and misses as Birchbox (who finally did send me the rest of my samples BTW).

May Ipsy Glam Bag Review

The Ipsy May Bag included the following products for a total value of $38.68
Juice Beauty Reflecting Lip Gloss, Fig $15.00
Zoya Nail Polish, Blu $8
Nume Finishing Serum, $4.83
Yaby Concealer Refill, Buff $4.85
Pacifica Bronzing Body Butter, $6

 I love lip gloss so the Juice gloss is a win, even though the texture is a bit strange.  I am a HUGE Zoya fan so was excited to see they were in this months bag but creme colors aren’t my thing and I’m not sure I’m loving this light blue, I may send it on to someone else who will love it more but it’s still a win in my book.  I’ve got the Nume serum before and it works so that’s a-ok.  I used the concealer the other day and was happy to find it matched my skintone perfectly and I was able to toss it in the Glam RX thing from last month’s bag so it isn’t just floating around aimlessly in my bag.  I heart Pacifica and am looking forward to trying the body butter and seeing if it works, although from what I can tell it’s just shimmer and not a lot of color.  I also REALLY liked this months bag and am hoping to find some kind of use for these suckers in the days to come (shall search Pinterest).

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The Fancy: May Box

I was kind of “meh” about The Fancy’s monthly box at the beginning but the past couple months have been really good and now I have been looking forward to it every month.  For $39/month you can get their “generic” monthly box or a slew of celebrity themed boxes (currently there is Ashton Kutcher, Pink, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Coco Rocha, Tyler Florence and more) that are more gadgety oriented than other boxes.  In the past I’ve got everything from t-shirts to nail polish to a mini dust bin.  What I like about their boxes is that they have categories you fill out and so far I haven’t got anything I hate (just again, meh like the runaway alarm clock).  Use code 20OFF16 for $20 off the first box.

the fancy may monthly box

The Fancy May Box included the following products for a grand total of $172.85

Mizu M8 Stainless Steel Water Bottle, $19.95
TKO Milano Skeleton Rubber Watch, Mint $125
Milo Micro Suction Stand, White $14.95
Menu Decanting Pourer Selection, $12.95

I was SO EXCITED about the watch!  I got another rubber watch in my Pop Sugar box a few months ago but it never quite fit right and the watch stopped working pretty quickly after getting it.  This one is funky but elegant at the same time and I wouldn’t feel odd wearing this for when I am working.  I was pretty shocked at the price tag too!  It’s really pretty and I love the color.  I’ve been digging my s’well bottle from my recent Pop Sugar box so I’m glad to have another bottle to use since hubs tends to take all of the bottles and leave them at work.  The decanter is also a win since I don’t have one.  Not sure that I’ll use the stand but I may be able to gift it to someone that will use it.  It may be handy for my desk though for a place to put  my phone.

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